It's Not Good News

 

 

It’s Not Good News

There are times in your life when you know the truth but it’s not the time to speak it.  It’s that gut feeling that rocks your soul and tells you all is not well.  Though everybody kept telling me to keep the faith that I’ll be okay and it’s not cancer that maybe it’s only endometriosis.  I knew better, I had endometriosis before and this was not it.  I kept smiling as much as I could but I think those closest to me knew. My sisters could hear it in my voice but my husband was hoping for the happy Hollywood ending. It was to never come.

October 6, 2010

Went to the oncologist today, my hubby went with me.  He seems to take what she said as positive but I think I really see what she is saying.  First the doc came in and said they don’t know what they are dealing with.  Long story short, CT scan says it is cancer, but of course they have to do a biopsy to be sure.  Second it’s not like one big mass but tiny modules peppered in the lining of my stomach and there is unknown fluid.  Third they don’t know where the main source of this growth is coming from.  It could be coming from the colon, uterus or bladder/bowel.  More test will be done, tomorrow I will have a mammogram and chest x-ray and on Friday probably the biopsy.  She said we should know the source and how bad and what to do with it by next week.  I told her I don’t want to wait and let’s jump on it. 

Two of my sisters (one I have no contact with) are biting at the bit to come but I told them I don’t want them here until we know for sure what I’m dealing with. I told them to pack a bag and be ready but just to wait.

Personally I believe it is cancer and I am at level 4.  That’s not the greatest but people have beaten this.  All I know is I don’t want to leave my husband.  I fell in love with him when I was 13 years old we went our separate ways after high school, reconnected after 20 years and married . We’re going on 14 years. He’s got my back and I have his and no matter what level I am I’ll fight to survive this cancer or to live longer.  I love him too much.

We went in for a biopsy and they were unable to perform the task.  My CA 125 marker was at 825 normal is 0-35.  I think this was when my hubby knew that maybe this could be cancer.  We couldn’t even say the word out loud.

October 16,  2010

This waiting will kill me if cancer doesn’t.  Of course we will not know for sure if it is cancer until this Thursday the 21^st after the operation. It will be over 2 weeks of carrying this burden of wondering.  The pain pills help, though I sleep a lot and I have felt dizzy, nauseous and lost weight.  I can’t get a thing done because I don’t seem to think clearly. Told my stepson last Friday I think he is OK.  I’m only the step mother so I’m sure the impact is minimal but I told him I want him to be there for his dad and that I think he is a great kid.  I did try and call my step daughter today but couldn’t leave a voice mail on her cell phone. I’ll try again tomorrow. Not sure how she will respond since she blames me for everything wrong in her life. 

October 31, 2010

Cancer sucks.  The official word, stage 3C Ovarian Cancer. I't not good news.

My husband’s Hollywood ending burst when they told him along with my two sisters that it was cancer while I was still in surgery, which  should have been a 2 hour procedure actually took 6 ½ hours.  My strong husband needed to be held up by my sisters, his knees buckled at the news and he wept. When I was done with the operation it was his voice that woke me as they wheeled me out of the elevator.  I could hear him talking on the phone telling someone on the other end that I was out of surgery. I wanted him to know I was doing okay and mumbled “I love you.” My devoted husband slept on a very uncomfortable fold back chair the first 3 nights.  I knew this was difficult feeling so helpless, men always want to fix things and this was something he could not fix. 

I was released from the hospital on Halloween Eve.  Hate hospital but couldn’t do it without the nurses.  What wonderful people they were to me in my care.  Yes sometimes you want them to be quicker because you are in such pain. Their sense of humor helped me through some dark times.  It’s amazing how your poop is so important to the nurses it became a joke.

My other two sisters took over the other nights.  A lot of tears and fears shared and even laughter which I had to do through my chest and throat.  The staples and bags in my belly hurt too much even with drugs. 

I WILL NOT DIE!, is now my personal slogan.  My  three sisters (though one is missing) have always been my rock and laughter when times are bad.  Two of them did not let me down during these dark times. My neighbors and friends have just been unbelievable.  I never knew and am quite surprised at how much they cared.  More later just need to sleep.

To be continued…

I didn’t ever get a chance to speak to my stepdaughter but she did send a nice email to her dad, which was better than my one sister who never responded. I have learned you can only do so much and you have to let go of those who choose not to be a part of your life no matter how much you love them. 

Next week it’s all about chemo and bald heads.  Till them go out there…keep the faith even if it’s not a Hollywood ending.