TELLING MY FAMILY

Telling my family

There is nothing more frightening then having to tell your family you might have cancer. For some reason you feel if you say it out loud it makes it real.  This wasn’t real because cancer happens to other people not me, cancer doesn’t even run in my family.

At first I thought maybe I wouldn’t tell them but that wasn’t realistic.  Maybe I’ll go to sleep and wake up only to realize I was having a nightmare but I knew what wasn’t going to happen either.  Reality had reared its ugly head and the pain of my cancerous growth was all too real as it seared through my body growing daily. 

How does one start such a conversation….

October 5, 2010 (continued)

I called my husband from the car and told him it wasn’t good and he needed to come home.  I couldn’t say cancer while he was at work.  I had to see his eyes and have him hold me.  I made it home first and sat in my favorite reading chair in the living room. I just blurted it out, “They think its cancer.”  The blood flushed from his cheeks and he looked dazed, at first not saying anything then we talked, I cried.  He said he’s not sure if he is in denial or just waiting to see the doctor tomorrow, like maybe it isn’t real.  He isn’t sure what he is feeling yet he was such a comfort to me trying to be brave and hoping for the best.   

Cindy had called me on my cell right after I spoke to the doc and got the news.  I told her I would call her back.  I felt my husband deserved to be told first.  Funny thing was my boob started ringing I forgot I stuck my cellphone in my bra, because I had no pockets, very white trash but it worked. 

After I spoke with my husband it was time to call Cindy back.  I did a 3 way call with two of my sisters.  One sister has chosen to be out of my life so I didn’t call her.  I think I will call her after they cut it out and if it is 100% cancer then I will call her, let her know and then she can choose whatever she wants to do with the info. They say cancer can be hereditary.

Both my sisters wanted to get on the plane at that very moment, I told then to wait in case it’s not cancer.  Later that evening my husband and I wanted to go about our business so I went to the bank and then picked up some fast food.  When I got home he was throwing the boxes away from the bed.  I suddenly had to stop in the driveway and cover my face because I broke down in tears.  I would miss the little things like seeing him every day doing everyday things.  I don’t want to go.  It was there that if it came to the worst I want to fight.  I don’t want to leave him.  God please give me hope.  He needs hope he has had so much tragedy in his life not this too.  I love him too much.  More than I thought I ever really knew.  I can’t live without him even if it meant I went first. 

Everyone tells me not to worry that they will remove it and it might not be cancer.  My body and soul tells me different.  All I know is I am not ready to die.  I am tired and need to go to bed.  I am very satisfied with this life and I have no regrets, but I still want to live a little longer, please.  I’ll say my prayers.  Funny how events like this can put life in perspective.  To love and don’t sweat the little things.

Next time I’ll share the operation and the fear of what was to come.  Till then go out there…don’t sweat the little things and love someone.