HAPPY 2013?

 

HAPPY 2013?

Well we have made it past the Mayan Calendar and now we are hanging on to a fiscal cliff.  It might look pretty from this point of view but all I have to say is how the heck are we going to get down.  Sometimes I think we don’t look past our noses and see the real picture but I am going to leave politics behind because as 2012 ends and 2013 begins I realize that what is most important are those around me and what goes on within my own home.

No matter what government throws at us it is those we surround ourselves with and our own character that gets us through hard times.  I hope surrounding yourself with good things and friends is a goal for you as it has been for me.  My mother always told me, “Surround yourself with people who are smarter and better then you, because one you learn from them and two it makes you look good.”

Mama was right and I have had the privaledge to surround myself with wonderful people and no government will take that away from me.  So in the words of Bette Davis in one of her great film roles she said, “Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy night.”  I think 2013 is going to be real bumpy year, but hey we’re all here and in it together.

I do hope our government realizes they work for us and we don’t work for them and do us right but if not I’m still going to hit that bucket list and check off my New Years resolution list which consist of learning to ride a horse english style and play a violin. 

So go out there…and check off the your resolutions and remember whats truly important and pray we aren't sheep going to the government slaughter and we all grow wings as we jump off this fiscal cliff.

           Happy 2013 and good luck! 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

12/21/12 HAS PAST AND WE ARE STILL HERE

SO GO OUT THERE AND...

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HUG A LITTLE TIGHTER



Hug A Little Tighter

 

I was going to share with you my experience of my cancer coming back but at this time my heart is heavy over another matter that is much more than my trivial plight.  I morn along with the nation over the recent shootings of innocent children.  Proceeded by mass shootings in movie houses and malls and copy catted by others in recent days.

            We have heard murder suicide stories by a professional football player among others.  This all seems so crazy and it is.  What are we to do? I was prepared to write and give you my POV (point of view) but feel it’s a matter I will address some other time.  Because tonight I’m going out there and spending time with my family and friends. I suggest yawl do the same, go out there…spend time with loved ones and hug your children a little tighter, we may never know what tomorrow brings.

CHEMO COCKTAIL ANYONE?

Chemo Cocktail Anyone?

A chemo cocktail is not a new drink from some fancy nightclub in Manhattan, only if it were that simple.  A chemo cocktail is what us cancer patients refer to the different chemicals that they mix to kill those ugly cancer cells.  Unlike an alcohol drink which can make ugly people look prettier if you have enough, a chemo cocktail only makes you sicker before you feel better.  Unlike the alcohol drinks you might have a hangover the next morning but when it comes to a chemo cocktail it’s days of hangovers or a never ending case of the flu. 

When I first started in this venture with cancer I had a different oncologist then the one I have now.  I was not very comfortable with the first onc because she left a lot of unanswered questions and told me to go to the internet for answers. Remember you pay them so don’t be afraid to question them or change doctors if you are not comfortable.

The first oncologist left me shaken, (not stirred, ha!) to where I had to use the power of prayer after internet research.  She pretty much threw big words at me like I was supposed to know what the crap she was talking about.  This was old hat to her but new to me so I had to go to the big guy upstairs for answers. I don’t care what religion you are or if you don’t belong to one I personally believe in a bigger power then myself.  So go for whatever works best for you. 

After I checked the internet and studied the different chemo cocktails at the “bar” I was calm once and I new what cocktail to do and that I needed someone else to guide me.  It helped that the first one was leaving but I then researched on the next and asked questions and am happy with my care.  The following are excerpts from my diary regarding the first time in chemo and its aftermath.  The cocktail wasn’t yummy, but it was lifesaving.

December 2, 2010

First day of chemo, wore pearls and Princess Diana ring my friend gave me.  There’s a book out about a woman who wore red lipstick to her chemotherapy sessions so I followed her example and it helped.  I felt pretty though my insides were ugly.   I could feel the chemo go through me.  I felt pangs throughout my stomach and right breast.  My port is on that side so they checked it for blood but everything was OK.  It was under my right breast that the pain started this whole thing back in September.  Feel weird, tired with anxiety. Scared not sure what to do.  Need sleep but I am scared to sleep.

The internet was helpful and I had learned to eat ginger snaps and chew on ice and breathe mints.  It’s supposed to help with vomiting and taste buds.  I think it worked.

December 7, 2010

I know I haven’t written much but it is a little difficult.  Energy has been real low though the days have been good enough to go for walks.  That has saved me but I seem to not be able to get going until 2PM.  Just to go to the bathroom is a chore, brush my teeth take a bath.  It’s like I need to take a nap in between each minor task.  But I plug along.  I try to keep my tears, the pain and frustration to myself though at times I express them. I keep it to a minimum so not to wear out those that are trying to support me. 

Friends and family are a very important part of recovery.  It was very hard for me since I have always been a very independent person and I think people with any kind of long term illness have a tenancy to go into hiding.  I had to humble myself and realize there was nothing wrong with letting others help especially nurses that were at first strangers but soon became my biggest cheerleader outside of my husband and loved ones.

Sorry I missed a week (I heard from some of you) but the holidays have me tied down as I’m sure most of you are busy.  I managed to push through chemo and buzz cuts that first (2011) time to put up my Christmas decorations.  Doing everyday things and trying to keep busy between the many naps was vital to my survival.  Normalcy is very important but so is rest.

Next week I’ll share what it was like to hear the bomb that the cancer is back and almost dying from the chemo during the second bout (2012).  Until then go out there…listen to what your body tells you and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

 

                   Chemo cocktail and coke is nothing like Rum and Coke

 After my first fight with cancer and "graduating" March 17, 2011.  I wore as much green as possible hoping the luck of the Irish would be on my side

The Bald and the Beautiful

 

The Bald and the Beautiful

There are bald eagles, famous bald movie characters and actors.  There’s even a Mount Baldy but nothing ever prepares you for your own baldness.  A woman’s hair is her crowning glory.  We are used to men losing their hair but for woman it might be more frightening then the cancer diagnosis itself.  Through experience I have learned differently.

I looked back in My Cancer Diary and I didn’t write about my first buzz cut.  Maybe it was too traumatizing but hair (Ha!) goes.  My husband along with my stepson took me to his barber.  My husband would never be caught dead in a salon and I figured a barber would be more familiar with my new style I was forced to get.

I had long hair that fell to the middle of my back and I didn’t want to deal with big chunks coming out in the shower. I was told that I’d start losing my hair within weeks of my first chemo so I figured it might be easier and do this dramatic change in steps.  My neighbor gave me a cute short cut which I had fun with it for a couple of weeks.

It was Saturday morning about 8AM when my family and I entered into the barber shop.  I wanted to go early before anyone else arrived.  My husband and stepson went first.  They were buzzing their hair too.  I got teary eyed when my stepson was sitting in the chair.  He didn’t have to do this but I believe it was his way of supporting me and my husband his father.  I told the barber not to cut his hair to short so he gave him a faux hawk, my stepson later got his hair all the way buzzed.  He’s such a great kid.

By the time it was my turn there were about 6 people waiting.  Oh crap, I now have an audience but they were wonderful giving me encouragement and telling me they knew someone with cancer and one gentlemen told me how his mother has the illness that makes you permanently bald and it wasn’t that big of a deal. I asked the barber to give me a Mohawk before he buzzed it all off because I always wanted one in the 80’s. 

It turned out to be a better experience then I ever thought.  It was very liberating.  As I entered into the chemo world and I became as bald as a q-ball my husband loved it.  He said I looked like a hot Vulcan.  He used to rub my head all the time which I believe might have helped my hair grow back at a faster rate than most.

I even had fun with wigs; I had a blonde, black and brunette one.  I had received them from the cancer society or a private donor, most of the time I went bald or wore hats.  My neighbor ladies gave me a hat party early on so I had lots to choose from.  I even had a dear friend knit me a pig hat which I wore to chemo.  What I realized was my hair didn’t define who I was and I wasn’t loved any less.  My fear of first going bald was just that, my fear.  I now think it was one of the fun parts about cancer.  I was able to get ready for the day much faster and it freed me from the hassles of blow dryers, brushes and curling irons.  I think a woman should try going bald just once even if she doesn’t have cancer.

Next week I'll share my first time doing time (chemo).  Until then go out there…and remember true beauty comes from within so don’t be afraid to buzz it all off!

 Might as well have fun with it

The Balding family, Ha! 

 

It's Not Good News

 

 

It’s Not Good News

There are times in your life when you know the truth but it’s not the time to speak it.  It’s that gut feeling that rocks your soul and tells you all is not well.  Though everybody kept telling me to keep the faith that I’ll be okay and it’s not cancer that maybe it’s only endometriosis.  I knew better, I had endometriosis before and this was not it.  I kept smiling as much as I could but I think those closest to me knew. My sisters could hear it in my voice but my husband was hoping for the happy Hollywood ending. It was to never come.

October 6, 2010

Went to the oncologist today, my hubby went with me.  He seems to take what she said as positive but I think I really see what she is saying.  First the doc came in and said they don’t know what they are dealing with.  Long story short, CT scan says it is cancer, but of course they have to do a biopsy to be sure.  Second it’s not like one big mass but tiny modules peppered in the lining of my stomach and there is unknown fluid.  Third they don’t know where the main source of this growth is coming from.  It could be coming from the colon, uterus or bladder/bowel.  More test will be done, tomorrow I will have a mammogram and chest x-ray and on Friday probably the biopsy.  She said we should know the source and how bad and what to do with it by next week.  I told her I don’t want to wait and let’s jump on it. 

Two of my sisters (one I have no contact with) are biting at the bit to come but I told them I don’t want them here until we know for sure what I’m dealing with. I told them to pack a bag and be ready but just to wait.

Personally I believe it is cancer and I am at level 4.  That’s not the greatest but people have beaten this.  All I know is I don’t want to leave my husband.  I fell in love with him when I was 13 years old we went our separate ways after high school, reconnected after 20 years and married . We’re going on 14 years. He’s got my back and I have his and no matter what level I am I’ll fight to survive this cancer or to live longer.  I love him too much.

We went in for a biopsy and they were unable to perform the task.  My CA 125 marker was at 825 normal is 0-35.  I think this was when my hubby knew that maybe this could be cancer.  We couldn’t even say the word out loud.

October 16,  2010

This waiting will kill me if cancer doesn’t.  Of course we will not know for sure if it is cancer until this Thursday the 21^st after the operation. It will be over 2 weeks of carrying this burden of wondering.  The pain pills help, though I sleep a lot and I have felt dizzy, nauseous and lost weight.  I can’t get a thing done because I don’t seem to think clearly. Told my stepson last Friday I think he is OK.  I’m only the step mother so I’m sure the impact is minimal but I told him I want him to be there for his dad and that I think he is a great kid.  I did try and call my step daughter today but couldn’t leave a voice mail on her cell phone. I’ll try again tomorrow. Not sure how she will respond since she blames me for everything wrong in her life. 

October 31, 2010

Cancer sucks.  The official word, stage 3C Ovarian Cancer. I't not good news.

My husband’s Hollywood ending burst when they told him along with my two sisters that it was cancer while I was still in surgery, which  should have been a 2 hour procedure actually took 6 ½ hours.  My strong husband needed to be held up by my sisters, his knees buckled at the news and he wept. When I was done with the operation it was his voice that woke me as they wheeled me out of the elevator.  I could hear him talking on the phone telling someone on the other end that I was out of surgery. I wanted him to know I was doing okay and mumbled “I love you.” My devoted husband slept on a very uncomfortable fold back chair the first 3 nights.  I knew this was difficult feeling so helpless, men always want to fix things and this was something he could not fix. 

I was released from the hospital on Halloween Eve.  Hate hospital but couldn’t do it without the nurses.  What wonderful people they were to me in my care.  Yes sometimes you want them to be quicker because you are in such pain. Their sense of humor helped me through some dark times.  It’s amazing how your poop is so important to the nurses it became a joke.

My other two sisters took over the other nights.  A lot of tears and fears shared and even laughter which I had to do through my chest and throat.  The staples and bags in my belly hurt too much even with drugs. 

I WILL NOT DIE!, is now my personal slogan.  My  three sisters (though one is missing) have always been my rock and laughter when times are bad.  Two of them did not let me down during these dark times. My neighbors and friends have just been unbelievable.  I never knew and am quite surprised at how much they cared.  More later just need to sleep.

To be continued…

I didn’t ever get a chance to speak to my stepdaughter but she did send a nice email to her dad, which was better than my one sister who never responded. I have learned you can only do so much and you have to let go of those who choose not to be a part of your life no matter how much you love them. 

Next week it’s all about chemo and bald heads.  Till them go out there…keep the faith even if it’s not a Hollywood ending.

TELLING MY FAMILY

Telling my family

There is nothing more frightening then having to tell your family you might have cancer. For some reason you feel if you say it out loud it makes it real.  This wasn’t real because cancer happens to other people not me, cancer doesn’t even run in my family.

At first I thought maybe I wouldn’t tell them but that wasn’t realistic.  Maybe I’ll go to sleep and wake up only to realize I was having a nightmare but I knew what wasn’t going to happen either.  Reality had reared its ugly head and the pain of my cancerous growth was all too real as it seared through my body growing daily. 

How does one start such a conversation….

October 5, 2010 (continued)

I called my husband from the car and told him it wasn’t good and he needed to come home.  I couldn’t say cancer while he was at work.  I had to see his eyes and have him hold me.  I made it home first and sat in my favorite reading chair in the living room. I just blurted it out, “They think its cancer.”  The blood flushed from his cheeks and he looked dazed, at first not saying anything then we talked, I cried.  He said he’s not sure if he is in denial or just waiting to see the doctor tomorrow, like maybe it isn’t real.  He isn’t sure what he is feeling yet he was such a comfort to me trying to be brave and hoping for the best.   

Cindy had called me on my cell right after I spoke to the doc and got the news.  I told her I would call her back.  I felt my husband deserved to be told first.  Funny thing was my boob started ringing I forgot I stuck my cellphone in my bra, because I had no pockets, very white trash but it worked. 

After I spoke with my husband it was time to call Cindy back.  I did a 3 way call with two of my sisters.  One sister has chosen to be out of my life so I didn’t call her.  I think I will call her after they cut it out and if it is 100% cancer then I will call her, let her know and then she can choose whatever she wants to do with the info. They say cancer can be hereditary.

Both my sisters wanted to get on the plane at that very moment, I told then to wait in case it’s not cancer.  Later that evening my husband and I wanted to go about our business so I went to the bank and then picked up some fast food.  When I got home he was throwing the boxes away from the bed.  I suddenly had to stop in the driveway and cover my face because I broke down in tears.  I would miss the little things like seeing him every day doing everyday things.  I don’t want to go.  It was there that if it came to the worst I want to fight.  I don’t want to leave him.  God please give me hope.  He needs hope he has had so much tragedy in his life not this too.  I love him too much.  More than I thought I ever really knew.  I can’t live without him even if it meant I went first. 

Everyone tells me not to worry that they will remove it and it might not be cancer.  My body and soul tells me different.  All I know is I am not ready to die.  I am tired and need to go to bed.  I am very satisfied with this life and I have no regrets, but I still want to live a little longer, please.  I’ll say my prayers.  Funny how events like this can put life in perspective.  To love and don’t sweat the little things.

Next time I’ll share the operation and the fear of what was to come.  Till then go out there…don’t sweat the little things and love someone.